#Survivors #CPTSD

Footsteps in the Rain

Despite all of her stories and truth that builds up in her heart, or the remains of her past whirling about in her subconscious being, there is a path to the exact point when the hurt began; an imprint that doesn’t wash away even in the most violent of storms. To get there is a map without measure or precision, it’s where she is led in her dreams or when she is triggered by something in the NOW. The layers of her are dense and like a sleuth of sorts she must link one piece to another, often overlooking one special event or time that changed her for the better or even for the worse. ROCK knows these times and slowly reveals them to Lm to digest. Her loss of faith in family ties and deeply meaningful connections with friends or lovers was destroyed, expolited and left her with bloody, colloused footprints in the rain. She was so desperate to keep those she loved together or with her that she took what ever they threw at her, like a starving dog scrambling for a tossed piece of meat, her bite was so tight, so implicitly feirce that nothing and noone would ever be able to convince her that that bite was not good for her. Men used her from such an early age , those that proclaimed love for her and yet shared their beds with another she continued to hold on to. The adults who coerced her into behaviours and activities that felt wrong and ugly she tucked deep inside her to not be examined. Lm is so full of pain that she hides more and more and fears making new friends or allowing others close to her now. She has been broken so many times by her unchanged soft heart clamouring for notice and acceptance that she stands in her own muddy footprints and doesn’t dare to move. The rain is blue and ice cold and she bares it even so; she doesn’t try to run away or move forward. Each time a storm comes she sinks deeper into her own wake, her feet feel the quickening as she sinks like a sea crustacean into the wet sandy soil that leads to middle self. She is in a trance where she can only stare at her feet, her toes blue and numb from the vast hole where the icy memories beckon her to return, over and over and over again. ROCK won’t give up and she won’t budge. It’s a standoff between living life without fear and being swallowed fully by her shadows.

Fear