RealStuff by RealMe

She fell backwards then downwards,landing at the bottom of her darkest place; she laid there for days refusing to accept TRUTH doesn’t matter. Rock as always stood near but honestly, he feels ashamed as he never saw this coming. She’s been so forward, following her own path and rules then as Father’s Day approached stateside and in the UK she leaned into her Buddhist and mindful consciousness and forgiveness came to mind. She had conditions however; she wanted to be heard and have a safe space, a witness, a protector so she could say outloud to her BadDad all she remembered and all she knew. That is not forgiveness. She wanted him to be seen for who he was, is and will always be by someone else, too. She sets her standards very high and wrongly assumed others after twenty years may have grown wiser. She was way off course. No one wants to hear that her BadDad hit on her friends and even her, sober and drunk. No one wants to know he had an affair or twenty and she has proof. Lm sunk into her bellied belief that someone in her paternal family cares. They don’t. They are all suckers for his new working persona. He doesn’t feel guilty and although he always said, “There are no athiests in a foxhole” that epitath doesn’t ring true. He dosn’t want redemption to get into heaven, if there is one, and he sure as hell doesn’t want Lm. How did this whole thing get triggered? On her sixtieth birthday in January he wrote her an email saying he will always love her. She had blocked every account he had so he couldn’t reach her. Yet, the schemer always has had his tricks. She deleted the email and let it simmer. Six months after this email under extreme stress, feeling sick (she always gets sentimental when getting sick), she broke her rules and wrote his wife. His wife as always, the one a year younger than Lm, shut her down. Luckily, a few days later while convalescing Lm turned on the television after moping about for a day and there was Oprah Winfrey and Michelle Obama. Michelle Obama said, “Some people never outgrow their smallness”. Basically, Lm’s father’s wife loves a good grudge, thrives on them and has no intention of letting Lm near her father or her family. Lm was bullied by this woman because she has always not known how to stand up for herself, never been quick on her feet, nor good at come backs and when her BadDad’s wife yelled at her or wrote or said mean things to her in the past she just cried. Being an empath, extremely sensitive is a good quality, a beautiful way to exist, yet it has it’s drawbacks and bullies love to watch the way Lm sinks, loses control and runs away from her pain. Luckily, Rock has seen her inner strength struggling to regain her balance and although she is not even on the first step, she is aware that she has fallen and it won’t be long before she gets up and starts to trust the ones who are here NOW, allowing them to comfort her and allowing herself forgiveness for falling off the “No Contact” wagon. For those who have wonderful parents, be they a Father or two, a Mother or Grandparent who love you, hang on to the good stuff. The bad seed planted by the ones that hurt you may try to sprout when you are weak but you don’t have to water it. Sow self love.